The 40-Minute Dump

Nothing makes the differences between men and women stand out more than a baby’s arrival. Things you didn’t notice before, things that didn’t have an impact on your livelihood, now come into the picture.

There are some things a father will do that are innate in a man. As women, we need to learn to work with this because we can get some great benefits from it. Having a baby has profound life-changing effects on a woman. The hardest part being she comes last, she automatically puts her baby first. A baby has profound changes on a man too, but, he still pees when the baby is crying. He still looks through the mail when he gets home before saying hello to his cute little family.

And worst of all, he still takes his 40-minute colossal dump every morning. This is fine pre-baby, pre-fatherhood. Why should anyone care if he closes himself into the WC with or without a magazine for unbelievably long periods of time?
(Out of curiosity, are there any women who do this? Speak up if you are out there.)

You either have to poop or you don’t. And if you have to go, it certainly does not take long enough to read anything, does it? In fact, a woman must have made up the infamous catch-phrase, “Shit or get off the pot.” (Or is it “piss” or get off the pot?)

If you do not partake in this 40-minute retreat, you are missing out on “you” time which is indispensable once you are a mother. If I can teach you anything, please let it be this: If you and your husband are home together and baby is crying or child is whining or driving you crazy, go lock yourself in the bathroom and pretend you are doing your daily doo. Men will accept this and not a 40 minute shower! (And is it just me, or do all men hate how women take long showers? Why?)

The part that makes me so mad is the myriad activities you accomplish solo while your partner is crapping! A sample of what women do while men in isolation: prepare a meal, put the baby down for a nap, clear the table, clean-up, build a dog house, wash the car and paint the living room.

If he berates you for taking so long to get ready, remind him the 40-minute dump does count for “getting ready” time! Why do they omit that? Do we ever say our shower doesn’t count? We as women actually take less time than men to get ready if you count their dumping!

Do you think men would let us take long dumps or would they come see if we’re okay every five minutes? Do any of you want to test the “40 minute dump acceptance theory?”

My theory? No one will be visiting you and because it is so sacred to the male species to poop in peace, if anyone tries to bang on the door, I assure you daddy will come as if baby is interrupting your religious prayer. “Shhhhh, come here. Mommy needs her privacy.”

Do not try the 40-minute shower when daddy is home. You will indeed undergo the most unsatisfying, interrupted shower ever that makes you say things under your breath like this, “God damnit! Not one second to myself! Sick of it! Sick of it! I’m going to kill someone. I’m going to runaway, I swear. I’m going to go to a hotel and stand under the shower for five fucking days, I swear!” That kind of talk makes you break out in hives and make crazy plans. No wonder we lose our hair after giving birth!

Maybe it comes down to this: Pooping is a necessity, taking a shower is pure pleasure. A bath? Don’t even go there! Blasphemy! Plus, you can hear your baby crying/children shrieking when you take a bath and your husband will most likely bring baby/children in to visit you as if you haven’t seen them for years. ”Look, sweetie, there’s Mommy! See?” Try not to scream when this happens.

For any male readers out there, please tell me what the 40-minute dump means to you. Is it an escape from a bitchy wife? Is it a way to connect with god? And, why don’t you consider it “getting ready” time assuming you poop in the morning before taking your shower. I do want to know. Would you let your partner take a 40-minute dump? Why is it blasphemous to take a 40-minute shower?

Women? Do you take 40-minute dumps? Is your partner okay with this? Are you allowed to do this after you have a baby? Do you recommend this isolation from the world to other women?

Lines are now open. Please write! Let’s uncover the mystery together.