Honk If You're Horny

I must admit after almost ten years of being married and two little girls, it’s always nice if a man notices me. There are lots of ways to get a woman’s attention. Different cultures have different ways of doing it though some tactics are just plain universal.

Today, after getting off a crowded tram, an African guy (not African like we say in the US, I mean born in Africa and still speaks his own dialect) looked at me indiscreetly up and down and said, “Bonjour,” emphasizing the “jour” sound and making me smile. I didn’t look at him but it made me laugh. I don’t know if guys in Africa act like that or if they reserve that behavior for France or just European girls. I’m sure if he did that to an African chic, she’d give him a look that would kill him and anyone else in her view.

One time, an African guy literally hung out the window of his apartment and asked me if I’d like to go up and join him for a coffee. This is light and fun comedy! These tactics might not bring in high sexual returns but at least these fellows are getting the ladies to smile.

French men do not give anyone the time of the day, they’re like gay man except they aren’t gay, well not all of them. Although they act as though they are not interested, they do steal a look when no one else is looking. I have no idea how these guys operate or get laid. They will only look indiscreetly at a woman if she is a bimbo.

I love watching men watch women. When a whorish woman walks by, men automatically turn their heads as if being pulled by an invisible thread. I love it. Great stuff. Women naturally look too but their look is more of disgust whereas; a man’s expression doesn’t change much. He could just as well be watching a bird peck at some seeds. So, I don’t know what is going on in their heads, but I do know some gears have shifted up there (and down there too). Are they really as visual and sexual as people say? Do they imagine the woman who just walked by, naked, bent over, doing her doggy-style? Please do not enlighten me, I don’t want to know.

Other tactics men do which seems to be reserved for men of North African descent, not to be confused with what the French call Black Africa, is the infamous whistle. Not the Bugs Bunny cartoon saloon-type one or the kind you train your parakeet to do. No. This is a high-pitched, ear piercing one you use at sporting events or to call your dog. And just to side-track here a second, do you remember Bugs Bunny when he would dress as a woman and walk into a bar and the dogs or men would all of a sudden go berserk and whistle, bang their fists on the table and their heads would get all big and steam would come out of their ears? What was that? It’s truly demented. Getting back to the ear drum puncturing whistle, if you have experienced this then you know how degrading and unnerving it is. Once, I got so mad, I went right up to the guy who did this and whistled in his face. I don’t remember how he reacted but it seemed like the perfect thing for me to do at the time.

Look, I understand that most North African men might not be used to seeing free-flowing hair and tight fitted jeans since they do come from Muslim countries. Let’s put it into perspective. Say I lived in the United Arab Emirates as a woman and for years all I saw were men covered from head to toe in loose fitted white clothing, which is really how they dress. One day I see a hot guy wearing jeans and his hair blowing in the wind. I would probably let out a noise or two. But, after a while the novelty would run out, wouldn’t it? Frankly, I don’t think this particular whistle has anything to do with a man’s level of European women exposure. And, out of all the ways to pick up a woman, the whistle is by far the strategy with the lowest returns in my portfolio. Any of you men out there with positive affects from whistling? Is that how you met your wife?

And what about the car honking? Men, please tell me what you want! I don’t know. Are you just acknowledging us? Do you want us to smile and wave? Do you want me to drop my bags and run after your car? Maybe jump a taxi, “Follow that honking car! I’ve been waiting for a honking man my whole life!”

You all know you’re driving by too fast for us to even see you, right? So, why do you honk? Is it like some reflex – you see someone sexy and your hand automatically jerks up and hits the horn? Say something at least after you honk, “You’re hot! I wanna do you!” Seriously, guys, we’d like that. (At least I would). The “beep beep” holds no merit by itself, spice it up and get a little feisty! Maybe, just maybe, you’ll get lucky.